Love: 'a strong feeling of affection'.
What an inadequate definition offered by the Oxford dictionary, for something that has, since the beginning of time, simultaneously intrigued and plagued us. The subject that has inspired the greatest expressions of creativity - (literature, poetry, music, theatre) and the ultimate acts of sacrifice (one need only look at a mother's love for her child to see this explicitly demonstrated).
Love. The word, rightly or wrongly, is used to describe an expansive array of emotions, spanning numerous forms and categories of relationships. Probably one of the reasons why it is just so darn difficult to unpack.
Another reason is because it is never rational- it is not an algorithm, nor a comprehensible philosophy, and yet it is the epitome of truth; there is no other entity that is more knowable, simultaneously registering with body, mind and soul.
Love is what sustains us; without it, in one form or another, life would be without purpose, colourless, flat. And whilst it is equally important to love and to be loved (one cannot thrive without the other), love is seldom fair.
There is no harder pill to swallow than loving someone who does not love us back proportionately. A mother's love, a friend's love, a partner's love...any form of love is susceptible to this. It is one of the follies of love that it does not automate an equal reaction: the act of loving does not guarantee reciprocation.
It is a mighty hard thing for the mind to reconcile that its heart, vulnerably brimming with love, is not necessarily loved back. It is this mismatch that can render people detached, cold, closed off, cynical, inaccessible, mad.
So how does one cope? I was asked this today by a friend.
There is no simple answer; some people have better coping mechanisms than others. Some people are more resilient, by their very nature. Nevertheless, my advice was this: distraction. Keeping busy. The busier we are, the less pain we register, the less space there is to succumb to the ache.
It's also a good idea to invest more in the relationships in our lives that are working. We are all intertwined in a great many relationships, all of which need time and attention. Give yourself to them. It's not a cure, but a robust and worthwhile treatment. Let your love manifest more evidently where it will be appreciated.
Another remedy: prayer. Or meditation. Or both. Nurturing the spirit is a remedy for most ailments. And when the spirit is at ease, it often calms the other faculties.
But, as I've said before, far better to have loved and lost, or in this case to love more than you are loved, than not to have loved at all.
The alternative, never permitting oneself to love (if that is even possible!), is surely an intolerable, meaningless existence. How dull, how utterly tedious it would be to be indifferent. It is the antithesis to so many great things: a quote from Elie Weisel - "the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference.”
So, in spite of all its irrationalities, its inequalities, its cruel incongruities, when all is said and done, it will have been worth it.
