Happily Ever Afters

On marital relationships:
#1

One of the best pieces of advice I ever received on the matter of marriage is to 'start as you mean to go on'. Initially, I underestimated the significance and implications of this, but the understanding did inevitably dawn on me some time later.

Entering into a new relationship, we generally want to be the best we can be, doing as much as we can for the other person, perhaps as a way of expressing our love and affection, or perhaps to put forward our most endearing image. Whatever our motives, it is not uncommon to set really high and often realistic expectations for and of ourselves in those early days, months and in some cases, even years of our relationship.

What we often fail to realise is that what we are creating is a rod for our own backs; by setting these unrealistic and unsustainable expectations, we will inevitably arrive at a point where life becomes too difficult, too strenuous, too demanding. The consequences for the relationship are also concerning- either you will attempt to maintain that unrealistic level of commitment which will give rise to sheer exhaustion and subsequent resentment of your partner, or you can scale down your commitment and suffer the wrath/displeasure/disappointment of your partner. Either way, it can be a challenging road ahead and can really test the fibre of your relationship.

Which is why that advice is so very important. Begin your relationship as yourself. Your ordinary, every day self, warts and all. Do what you are happy to do going forward. Be the person you will be happy to be not just today, but for countless tomorrows as well. And if you are worried that that might not be good enough for your partner, then you really need to question if he/she is the right match for you.

Of course, this advice is in no way meant to undermine the importance of compromise, flexibility and patience (you'll need an abundance of all of these and more), but in terms of your day-to-day commitments, you need to be fair to yourself. And by the very nature of fairness, you will undoubtedly be fair to your partner, which results in a balanced, and God-willing, harmonious overtone to your partnership.

If you're already in the aforementioned pickle, I wish you the very best in unpickling your circumstance!

More to come...

The air of my ancestors

I was recently asked by a sister to write down some observations I'd made regarding life and relationships. It isn't customary for me to do this in a public forum, but in keeping with my promise to her, I shall.

On being content:

Contentment is the result of one's reflection on one's daily blessings and a conscientious response of humble gratitude for those blessings.
We live in a world that all too often draws our attention to our faults and the faults of our circumstance. We are essentially cast in the script of our lives as lacking, imperfect, incomplete. Our lives are not validated as authentic or worthwhile unless we are perpetually seeking to better our financial and consequently our social status. Its all about looking good, living large and surrounding ourselves with equally glamorous and upwardly mobile people. As a result, we often respond with resentful dissatisfaction with our lot, always wanting more, always craving something 'better'.

But what if what we have is actually enough? What if we stepped outside this insidious paradigm and observed just how much we DO have? If we could contrast our lives to the lives of any person living in one of the many developing countries of our world, we would be blown away by just how fortunate and full our lives actually are.

I recently had the humbling opportunity to do just that. Earlier this year, I visited my country of origin, the Syrian Arab Republic. As I deeply inhaled the majestic air of my ancestors, I also ingested the raw and very real living conditions of my Syrian brothers and sisters.

Let me start by saying that I have never met happier, more content people in all my life. There were radiant smiles everywhere I turned and exhilarating laughter echoing through the walls of the many homes that I had the privilege to call upon. They were hospitable to a fault, warm and inviting. They found joy in what some may regard as the mundane - a family car journey across the Syrian border into the dusty streets of Lebanon, with no promise of anything more than the woody aroma of cedar competing with that of less appealing but more insistent human odours.

In terms of our Western paradigmatic understanding of wealth, many if not most of these people are incredibly poor. Their homes are small, the amenities are basic, available resources are scarce at best. But their lives are more rich than any people I know, myself included.

Key to this, from my observations, is that they have a very different definition of success. They place far greater import on intangible things- and at the very top of their priorities is family. Consequently, they view life through a lens that enamours gratitude and indeed contentment.

So, having been inspired and humbled by beautiful Syrian hosts and friends, I decided to actively strive towards adopting this world view upon my return to the Great Brown Land, and I have to say, life has never been better.
I am not earning more money, or living in a bigger house in a more 'prestigious' suburb. I am not wearing designer clothing or strutting around in Jimmy Choos. I haven't had a nose job and each of my stretch marks still reside in their usual place, if anything, more assuredly than ever. I am consuming the same food as I was before my Syrian experience. And I still have the same husband and children (God bless each and every one of them). But I am more observant, more reflective, more grateful than I ever thought I could be. And in turn, I am less critical, less angry and much less resentful. I still have moments where I need to scream at the top of my lungs and want to escape to a place of restful quiet, but these are fewer and more far between.

And with that, I arrived at my opening statement, confidently and with eternal hope.