I've been a mother for 14 years now, a little longer if you count pregnancy time. I am mother to very diverse, unique individuals, girls and boys. Each is special in their own right, each is beautiful, each has different needs and each requires (and has) an exclusive, unmatched relationship with me.
Through my children, I have learned what it means to be a mother. Even with a wonderful mother of my own, I had very little idea and, in retrospect, very unrealistic expectations of motherhood.
I could probably fill a hefty book with all of the observations and life lessons I have learned, but that's for another time. For now, I will share the things that have been most on my mind most recently, in no particular order of course, because I am abysmal at anything that requires order.
Which brings me to my first point:
Leave your perfectionist tendencies at the door.
If you want to remain at least partially sane, you cannot afford to maintain aspirations of perfection. You must embrace 'good'and possibly even 'great' in place of 'perfect', unless of course you are paying your child a compliment, in which case 'perfect' is perfectly suitable. You can only do so much, and as long as you are giving it your best shot, you should be content with the results, however imperfect they may appear to be to your pre-child self.
Love them unconditionally.
No child is better or worse than any other- they are all gifts from God, all good and praiseworthy. No child is more deserving or less deserving of love, affection and attention- they should all be loved unconditionally. That is not to say that there wont be challenging moments where you want to hit your head against a brick wall in the hopes of inducing a coma. There will be, without a doubt, many testing moments. But that should never affect the love you have for your child, and it should never affect the way you view them. You never stop loving and never stop showing love. It must be the one solid thing they can depend upon, the one true fact of their world.
Your children wont all be mini- you.
Accept your children as they are, however different/quirky/unlike you they may be. Celebrate their differences. Don't be annoyed or disappointed that they don't share your likes and dislikes, or that they haven't bought into your hopes and dreams. They are entitled to their own. How mundane would the world be if it was all same. Its beauty is in the vast array of difference. And your children, your family, is a microcosm of that.
Don't sweat the small stuff.
If you are as highly strung as I am (still trying to change that!), this is hard I know. But again, its so important. I heard it put like this by one social commentator, and its so very true. You need to pick your fights with your children, especially as they get older. Ask yourself- will this matter in 5 years time? If it will, then its probably something to address, but if not, then let. it. go.
The same applies to the littlies. That's not to say that consistency and routine isn't essential (it is), but, don't be on their backs for every little indiscretion. You will crush them. They need to make some mistakes, they need to feed and satisfy their inquisitive minds and they need to have independence fostered in them from an early age. It will make them far more capable, responsible, thoughtful, reflective grown-ups. At least that's what I'm hoping...
Don't shout.
You're only hurting your voice-box. And whilst, initially it may appear to get you results, eventually, they will learn to tune you out completely, to the point where nothing you say or do will be consciously processed and acted upon. If anything, it will make them lose respect for you. Or worse, they will grow up to shout at their own loved ones. Not nice.
Smile. Even when you're cross.
From an Islamic perspective, we know that smiling is an act of charity and there is plenty of reward in it. Its also far more likely to get you the results you want than scowling. Even with your own children. Plus, its likely to put you in a better mood. And that can only be a good thing :)
They don't really care about all the stuff.
They care about the intangible- the time you spend listening to them, the hugs and kisses, the kind words of praise, the opportunities you provide them to succeed at things, the patience you show them when they are learning new things, the encouragement, the advice, the boundaries you put in place to protect and guide them to a good, honourable, safe, and content life. That is what they will remember in 20 years time- the emotional investment you made.
Being a child is hard work! Acknowledge that.
When all is said and done, remember, you were a child once. We might, in our adult folly, idealise what that was, but it is unfair to say it was always easy. Its not. So acknowledge that. Let them know that you understand (even if they don't believe you). Empathise. And when all else fails, be a child yourself once in a while. There is no shame in going on the swing (I do it all the time).
And last but not least...
You are human. You won't always get it right.
And that's okay. So is saying sorry. They don't want perfection, just like they don't want you to expect it from them. They only want the real deal. If you mess up, own up. If you make a mistake, apologise. Its never too late to change, and its never too late to apologise (despite what One Republic will have you believe!).
Through my children, I have learned what it means to be a mother. Even with a wonderful mother of my own, I had very little idea and, in retrospect, very unrealistic expectations of motherhood.
I could probably fill a hefty book with all of the observations and life lessons I have learned, but that's for another time. For now, I will share the things that have been most on my mind most recently, in no particular order of course, because I am abysmal at anything that requires order.
Which brings me to my first point:
Leave your perfectionist tendencies at the door.
If you want to remain at least partially sane, you cannot afford to maintain aspirations of perfection. You must embrace 'good'and possibly even 'great' in place of 'perfect', unless of course you are paying your child a compliment, in which case 'perfect' is perfectly suitable. You can only do so much, and as long as you are giving it your best shot, you should be content with the results, however imperfect they may appear to be to your pre-child self.
Love them unconditionally.
No child is better or worse than any other- they are all gifts from God, all good and praiseworthy. No child is more deserving or less deserving of love, affection and attention- they should all be loved unconditionally. That is not to say that there wont be challenging moments where you want to hit your head against a brick wall in the hopes of inducing a coma. There will be, without a doubt, many testing moments. But that should never affect the love you have for your child, and it should never affect the way you view them. You never stop loving and never stop showing love. It must be the one solid thing they can depend upon, the one true fact of their world.
Your children wont all be mini- you.
Accept your children as they are, however different/quirky/unlike you they may be. Celebrate their differences. Don't be annoyed or disappointed that they don't share your likes and dislikes, or that they haven't bought into your hopes and dreams. They are entitled to their own. How mundane would the world be if it was all same. Its beauty is in the vast array of difference. And your children, your family, is a microcosm of that.
Don't sweat the small stuff.
If you are as highly strung as I am (still trying to change that!), this is hard I know. But again, its so important. I heard it put like this by one social commentator, and its so very true. You need to pick your fights with your children, especially as they get older. Ask yourself- will this matter in 5 years time? If it will, then its probably something to address, but if not, then let. it. go.
The same applies to the littlies. That's not to say that consistency and routine isn't essential (it is), but, don't be on their backs for every little indiscretion. You will crush them. They need to make some mistakes, they need to feed and satisfy their inquisitive minds and they need to have independence fostered in them from an early age. It will make them far more capable, responsible, thoughtful, reflective grown-ups. At least that's what I'm hoping...
Don't shout.
You're only hurting your voice-box. And whilst, initially it may appear to get you results, eventually, they will learn to tune you out completely, to the point where nothing you say or do will be consciously processed and acted upon. If anything, it will make them lose respect for you. Or worse, they will grow up to shout at their own loved ones. Not nice.
Smile. Even when you're cross.
From an Islamic perspective, we know that smiling is an act of charity and there is plenty of reward in it. Its also far more likely to get you the results you want than scowling. Even with your own children. Plus, its likely to put you in a better mood. And that can only be a good thing :)
They don't really care about all the stuff.
They care about the intangible- the time you spend listening to them, the hugs and kisses, the kind words of praise, the opportunities you provide them to succeed at things, the patience you show them when they are learning new things, the encouragement, the advice, the boundaries you put in place to protect and guide them to a good, honourable, safe, and content life. That is what they will remember in 20 years time- the emotional investment you made.
Being a child is hard work! Acknowledge that.
When all is said and done, remember, you were a child once. We might, in our adult folly, idealise what that was, but it is unfair to say it was always easy. Its not. So acknowledge that. Let them know that you understand (even if they don't believe you). Empathise. And when all else fails, be a child yourself once in a while. There is no shame in going on the swing (I do it all the time).
And last but not least...
You are human. You won't always get it right.
And that's okay. So is saying sorry. They don't want perfection, just like they don't want you to expect it from them. They only want the real deal. If you mess up, own up. If you make a mistake, apologise. Its never too late to change, and its never too late to apologise (despite what One Republic will have you believe!).
