Thinking beyond the here and now

One of the most concerning consequences of living in the moment is that one is not sufficiently equipped to deal with the big trials that will inevitably arrive. When we immerse ourselves in the busy stuff we do on a daily basis, we neglect to think beyond the here and now, to think about that bigger picture. It is only when we consciously and actively think deeply and analytically about those things that we prepare ourselves and in doing so protect our souls from lasting injury.

As parents we must also do this for our children.

I will give you an example from my own life.

I was brought up in a low-conflict home environment. Most of the relationships modelled to me could be best described as functional ones. They were generally positive, healthy and for the most part simple. They made sense, and didn't require much effort to understand. So I spent most of my time focusing on my todays.

During the school week, that consisted of getting to school, getting through the school day, getting home from school, homework, the occasional chore, and taekwondo (or the intermittent other extra-curricular activity). On the weekends, it was Arabic school, Quran school and a family outing.

When I did think about other things, it was my predictable expectations of the future: to finish school, go to university, get married, have 8 children (4 boys and 4 girls) and to live happily ever after. And even that was done so very superficially; there was little thought given to prospect of any obstacle that could cause a deviation from said future, and even less given to the real complexity of each one of those things.

Some might say that this is understandable given my stage of development and lack of life experience. But I believe that I could have been better equipped had I had conversations about these things, real conversations that delved into the spectrum of possibilities, the good and not-so-good. To have been exposed, even in concept, to the complexities of relationships and to the array of tests that one might experience would have served me better than the cotton-wool approach of maintaining my ill-perceived illusions of linear life formulas and happily-ever-afters. I would have preferred to have at least seen the shores of choppy waters than to have only visited the ocean at low tide.

Of course, I know my parents only had the very best of intentions, and did what they thought was in our best interests as children. The only problem was that when I did get to an age where I was more than capable of deep and reflective independent thought, I chose the head-in-the-sand approach and continued in the vain that I had been accustomed to.

So when I encountered those first big tribulations as a young woman, I really struggled to cope. My inability to properly process these challenges and the scarcity of personal resources meant that I was fighting a losing battle, literally. Frustratedly and with admirable determination, I kept trying to resolve these things using the linear formula I had, the only formula I really understood, unable (or perhaps unwilling) to see the inherently flawed and shallow premise it was built upon.

Consequently, it has taken me many years to work through some of the scars I retained from those years, and whilst those scars have faded, they have inevitably left their imprint where no amount of work can completely undo, on my core.

These days, I am far more vigilant and make no apologies in distancing myself from the busy distractions of the everyday, and do spend some time in my own headspace, processing, analysing and reflecting. I also try very hard to have those conversations with my children, conversations that balance their need for hope and optimism with the realities of fallible, imperfect living; I try to resource them with an holistic understanding through consciouseness-raising anecdotes and stories; I try to foster critical thinking through discussing with them a broad range of issues (everything from the environment to the various versions of history) and I try to develop deep reflection through providing opporutnities to engage with diverse communities of people (of all ages, social statuses and backgrounds).

They also have the benefit (?) of having had a very different upbringing to my own. I am humbled, daily, by their strength, insight, maturity and resilience in the face of the adversity they have already had to navigate. So they are already well ahead of the pack, alhamdulilah.

Hadith no. 32

On the authority of Saad bin Malik Al-Khudari, that the messenger of Allah said :


 "There should be neither harming nor reciprocating harm."

                 -a fine hadith related by Ibn Majah, Al-Daraqutni and others

On reflection.

Today I taught them this:

When night falls and they lay their head on their pillow and look back on the day that was, there ought to be something they did that brought them some way closer to their final destination. At least one thing that brought them nearer to The One.

I also reminded them that when they reflect, they should do so carefully, thoroughly and honestly.
They should think about all the encounters they had and whether they brought their best selves into those encounters; were they kind and considerate? Did they listen, show humility and use their manners? Did they leave the other/s feeling good about their exchange?

Because, I explained, our daily reflections should leave us feeling satisfied, comfortable and good. If they don't then that's a sign that we need to make a change, somewhere in our lives. And its very easy to work out where that 'somewhere' is if we have reflected honestly.

The things I've learnt about Motherhood

I've been a mother for 14 years now, a little longer if you count pregnancy time. I am mother to very diverse, unique individuals, girls and boys. Each is special in their own right, each is beautiful, each has different needs and each requires (and has) an exclusive, unmatched relationship with me.

Through my children, I have learned what it means to be a mother. Even with a wonderful mother of my own, I had very little idea and, in retrospect, very unrealistic expectations of motherhood.

I could probably fill a hefty book with all of the observations and life lessons I have learned, but that's for another time. For now, I will share the things that have been most on my mind most recently, in no particular order of course, because I am abysmal at anything that requires order.

Which brings me to my first point:

Leave your perfectionist tendencies at the door.

If you want to remain at least partially sane, you cannot afford to maintain aspirations of perfection. You must embrace 'good'and possibly even 'great' in place of 'perfect', unless of course you are paying your child a compliment, in which case 'perfect' is perfectly suitable. You can only do so much, and as long as you are giving it your best shot, you should be content with the results, however imperfect they may appear to be to your pre-child self.

Love them unconditionally.

No child is better or worse than any other- they are all gifts from God, all good and praiseworthy. No child is more deserving or less deserving of  love, affection and attention- they should all be loved unconditionally. That is not to say that there wont be challenging moments where you want to hit your head against a brick wall in the hopes of inducing a coma. There will be, without a doubt, many testing moments. But that should never affect the love you have for your child, and it should never affect the way you view them. You never stop loving and never stop showing love. It must be the one solid thing they can depend upon, the one true fact of their world.

Your children wont all be mini- you.

Accept your children as they are, however different/quirky/unlike you they may be. Celebrate their differences. Don't be annoyed or disappointed that they don't share your likes and dislikes, or that they haven't bought into your hopes and dreams. They are entitled to their own. How mundane would the world be if it was all same. Its beauty is in the vast array of difference. And your children, your family, is a microcosm of that.

Don't sweat the small stuff.

If you are as highly strung as I am (still trying to change that!), this is hard I know. But again, its so important. I heard it put like this by one social commentator, and its so very true. You need to pick your fights with your children, especially as they get older. Ask yourself- will this matter in 5 years time? If it will, then its probably something to address, but if not, then let. it. go.
The same applies to the littlies. That's not to say that consistency and routine isn't essential (it is), but, don't be on their backs for every little indiscretion. You will crush them. They need to make some mistakes, they need to feed and satisfy their inquisitive minds and they need to have independence fostered in them from an early age. It will make them far more capable, responsible, thoughtful, reflective grown-ups. At least that's what I'm hoping...

Don't shout.

You're only hurting your voice-box. And whilst, initially it may appear to get you results, eventually, they will learn to tune you out completely, to the point where nothing you say or do will be consciously processed and acted upon. If anything, it will make them lose respect for you. Or worse, they will grow up to shout at their own loved ones. Not nice.

Smile. Even when you're cross.

From an Islamic perspective, we know that smiling is an act of charity and there is plenty of reward in it. Its also far more likely to get you the results you want than scowling. Even with your own children. Plus, its likely to put you in a better mood. And that can only be a good thing :)

They don't really care about all the stuff.

They care about the intangible- the time you spend listening to them, the hugs and kisses, the kind words of praise, the opportunities you provide them to succeed at things, the patience you show them when they are learning new things, the encouragement, the advice, the boundaries you put in place to protect and guide them to a good, honourable, safe, and content life. That is what they will remember in 20 years time- the emotional investment you made.

Being a child is hard work! Acknowledge that.

When all is said and done, remember, you were a child once. We might, in our adult folly, idealise what that was, but it is unfair to say it was always easy. Its not. So acknowledge that. Let them know that you understand (even if they don't believe you). Empathise. And when all else fails, be a child yourself once in a while. There is no shame in going on the swing (I do it all the time).

And last but not least...

You are human. You won't always get it right.

And that's okay. So is saying sorry. They don't want perfection, just like they don't want you to expect it from them. They only want the real deal. If you mess up, own up. If you make a mistake, apologise. Its never too late to change, and its never too late to apologise (despite what One Republic will have you believe!). 

  

My apologies for being MIA.

Sometimes, I just can't share my thoughts or the goings-on in my life... sad but true I'm afraid. Which is not so good. Because then when I can share, I feel I have lost momentum, so I don't bother.

Anyways, here's a little something I do want to share. Because I love it. And I love to share the things I love.

A nasheed by a very talented nasheed artist.

I am moved every time I listen to it. I do recommend you buy the album. Its all so good.